NPM's WebLog

Tuesday October 09, 2007

New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love

New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love

October 3, 2007 |

Issue 43•40

WASHINGTON, DC—Recovering
from minor heart surgery Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney stunned
both the medical and political establishments when he mysteriously
began to experience love for the first time in his life, sources
reported Tuesday.

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A replaced defibrillator is having unexpected effects on the vice president, as this photo taken Monday reveals.

It is believed to have been the first recorded incident of Cheney exhibiting compassion for his fellow man.

Calling the vice president's sudden ability to love "mystifying" but
a possible medical breakthrough that could aid other Americans who
suffer from acute mulishness and generalized misanthropy, Dr. Jonathan
Samuel Reiner, Cheney's cardiologist, said in a press conference at
George Washington University Hospital that the vice president exhibited
a series of unexpected side effects almost immediately after regaining
consciousness following his surgery.

"The vice president broke free from the straps that secured him to
the bed and lurched at me as he customarily does following a heart
procedure," said Reiner. "But instead of trying to strangle me, he
wrapped his arms around me in a hug."

According to Reiner, Cheney left the hospital under his own power,
but returned minutes later complaining of unfamiliar chest palpitations
and sensations of warmth for others regardless of political affiliation
or income. A test of the replacement defibrillator showed that the
device was functioning properly, and an examination of Cheney revealed
no physical abnormalities.

"The vice president's eyes had an unfamiliar gleam in them, and he
didn't sound like his usual self at all, so we checked for signs of a
stroke, but found none," Reiner said. "His voice was atypically soft,
and his hands felt warm to the touch."

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Cheney with "new BFF" Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) at the Capitol Tuesday.

Lynne Cheney, wife of the vice president, told reporters that her
husband was "doing fine" upon release from the hospital, but
acknowledged that he had exhibited some peculiar traits.

"When he came home, he did not characteristically stomp into the
house and grumble about how the 'stupid American people should just be
shot,'" Mrs. Cheney said. "Instead, he bent down to scratch the dog
behind his ears instead of kicking him, and kissed me off-camera for
the first time in 10 years."

Mrs. Cheney added she has not ruled out the possibility that her
husband's blood- thinning medication may have been switched,
unintentionally or not, with a CIA mind-control drug.

Over the past two days, various White House and Capitol Hill sources
have also reported bizarre behavior by the vice president. Cheney was
back at work Monday, and, according to incredulous eyewitnesses,
greeted each of his staff members by name. Later that afternoon, he
canceled his regular weekly meeting with Halliburton executives, then
kicked off his shoes, rolled up his pants, and strolled around barefoot
on the White House lawn.

Attending a Monday evening GOP fundraiser at the Washington
Convention Center, Cheney was accompanied by David Gillian, 6, a young
boy he had previously crippled, and by a small fawn who had followed
him to the event. Mounting the podium as the featured speaker, he told
supporters he had cast aside his planned speech on the
counterinsurgency in Iraq's Anbar Province in order to "tell the real
truth."

"If the events of Sept. 11 have taught us anything, it is this: We
need to learn to love one another," Cheney said. "We are all entwined
in an unbreakable braid of human brotherhood. Each of us has something
good and special to offer. If we work together, we can make the world
into a most wonderful place where we can turn our attention to the
truly important things, like snuggling."

During a C-SPAN-televised appearance at the Senate Tuesday, Cheney,
in his role as Senate president, announced he had brought doughnuts for
everyone, and encouraged the legislators to be more sensitive to one
another's feelings.

"I've wasted so much of my life on a mindless quest for power and
outright destruction," an increasingly emotional Cheney said. "What
about all the sunsets I've missed?"

"What are these things you call 'tears'?" added Cheney, as Senate ushers politely escorted him from the chamber.

Despite his miraculous turnaround, doctors are calling Cheney's
condition unstable and, if left untreated, possibly fatal. On Friday,
Cheney will return to George Washington University Hospital to have the
defibrillator removed, as it is feared that prolonged exposure to love
could overwhelm his already shrunken and ulcerated black heart.